Those darned immigrants... er, which ones?

I received the below email last night. It's been circulating around the Net now that the immigration debate is heating up. I composed a similar response and emailed it back to the sender. He's probably not too happy with me right now. The original email is immediately below and my response is below that:
------------------------------------- Original Message -----------------------------------
Dear Mr. President:

I'm about to plan a little trip with my family and extended family, and I would like to ask for your assistance. I'm going to walk across the border from the U.S.into Mexico and I need to make a few arrangements. I know you can help with this.I plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports, immigration quotas and laws. I'm sure they handle those things the same way you do here.

So, would you mind telling your buddy, President Vicente Fox, that I'm on my way over? Please let him know that I will be expecting the following:
1. Free medical care for my entire family.
2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need, whether I use them or not.
3. All government forms need to be printed in English.
4. I want my kids to be taught by English-speaking teachers.
5. Schools need to include classes on American culture and history.
6. I want my kids to see the American flag flying on the top of the flag pole at their school with the Mexican flag flying lower down.
7. Please plan to feed my kids at school for both breakfast and lunch.
8. I will need a local Mexican driver's license so I can get easy access to government services.
9. I do not plan to have any car insurance, and I won't make any effort to learn local traffic laws.
10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo from Pres. Fox to leave me alone, please be sure that all police officers speak English.
11. I plan to fly the U.S. flag from my house top, put flag decals on my car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th. I do not want any complaints or negative comments from the locals.
12. I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes and don?t enforce any labor laws or tax laws.
13. Please tell all the people in the country to be extremely nice and never say a critical word about me, or about the strain I might place on the economy.I know this is an easy request because you already do all these things for all the people who come to the U.S. from Mexico . I am sure that Pres. Fox won't mind returning the favor if you ask him nicely.Your assistance in this matter would be most appreciated!

Sincerely,

"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
~Winston Churchill (1874-1965)
-------------------------- My response to the above: ----------------------------------

That's weird. That letter is a more recent version of one that's been around for over 500 years.

Here's the original:

Dear Native Americans:

We're about to plan a little trip with tens of millions of our families, and we would like to ask for your compliance. We're going to sail across the ocean into what we will later call North America, South America and Latin America.

We plan to skip all the humane stuff that you're all used to, like sharing and caring for your fellow man.

So, we're just letting you know that we're on our way over! Over the next 500 years or so, please expect the following:

1. We will kill millions of you for absolutely no reason except that we want what you have.
2. We will create giant armies whose sole purpose is to hunt you down and destroy entire tribes of your people.
3. Those of you who we can't enslave will be killed.
4. We will routinely rape your women and children.
5. We will desecrate the graves of your dead.
6. We will show absolutely no respect for your lifestyle or customs.
7. We will deliberately destroy the buffalo and other game that your people depend on to survive. We will also destroy many of your crops and food sources. And, what the hell, many of your homes, too.
8. Once we see how easily you succumb to alcoholism, you will take full advantage of that weakness of yours. We will distribute our liquor or "firewater" to you--for a price, of course.
9. We will violate almost every agreement and treaty we make with you.
10. We will constantly lie to and take advantage of you.
11. We impose our beliefs about our messiah and our God, but will treat you as if we were immoral and godless.
12. We will expect you to embrace our God and discard yours. Your worship will be censored and your rituals will be outlawed and deemed offensive to decent society.
13. We will call you savages, but we will demonstrate savagery toward you that will be beyond your people's comprehension.
14. We will destroy your culture. We will take your children away from you and send them to our schools so that they will become "civilized."
15. We will teach your children and ours something we'll call "American History." Of course, your people will be portrayed as inferiors and villains while we will be shown as superior and justified in all of our injustices toward you.
16. We will use treachery, such as giving you blankets infected with smallpox under the guise that the blankets are gifts of our kindness and generosity.
17. We will willfully withhold our medical supplies from you when your people contract our contagious diseases.
18. We will distribute tainted meat and rotting food to your people.
19. We will conduct forced round-ups and marches in conditions in which most of your people will not be equipped to survive and will not be expected to survive. Then we will deliberately murder anyone who cannot march and also murder those who are too slow, too sick, too old, etc..
20. We will round up what's left of your population into "reservations." These lands will be harsh and barren and will result in even more starvation of your people. More promises will be made to you, but never kept. You'll be totally neglected. There you will be denied your previous lifestyle, culture, economy and worst of all, any shred of dignity. Your people will suffer in abject poverty and squalor.
21. In only a few hundred years, we will horribly pollute the land, water and air that you so respectfully preserved for 10,000 years.
22. Then when other groups of people try to come into your lands (just like we're about to), we'll become indignant. We will conveniently forget how we came into possession of your land. We'll call these new people invaders and blame them for somehow diminishing our lifestyle, although there will be no evidence of that. This will be puzzling because they'll work for a few dollars an hour and do dirty jobs that we don't want to do. But that won't stop us from calling right-wing talk shows, and whining and complaining like little pansies. Other races who have been victimized by us will then shake their heads at us while we try to claim that we're somehow a victim in all of this horseshit we've perpetrated.

How does that sound? Look forward to meeting, exploiting and killing y'all!

Sincerely,

Europeans (your future masters and destroyers)

"Taxes are the price we pay for a civilized society." Oliver Wendall Holmes, Jr. (Republican)